It’s OK to Borrow

I may not have hope today

But I can borrow yours for now

I may not have joy today

But your laughter is contagious

I may have lost faith today

But your faith can bring my healing

I may not have love for anyone around me

But Your Love covers all 

~  Janel R. Brasuell

I have been paralyzed emotionally since Nathan’s birth over a year ago.  Postpartum depression is very real.  As I begin to creep out from behind the shadows I have an intense desire to share this painful part of my journey with you.  Perhaps someone you know, even yourself, will benefit.  That’s my prayer. 

In mid-December I posted a most significant Facebook status:  “I am finally emerging into sunshine from the longest winter ever.”  In reality, winter had just begun here, but in my heart spring had finally sprung.  Never in my life have I gone through four seasons of winter.  Even this summer, as hot as it was at times, I was isolated inside myself.  Sometimes I was cooped up in the house with A/C because it was too hot for the kids to be out, or was it because I was too paralyzed to make the effort?  All summer felt like winter.  This whole year has felt like winter.

I like winter, don’t get me wrong, but enough’s enough!  Now, I’m emerging into “spring” all the while surrounded with the effects of the latest snowy blast on our nation.

Usually I am full of hope, not despair.  Usually my joy bubbles over as I find meaning in the little things in life.  Usually I can function to some degree above vegetative plodding.  But I’ve been in survival mode.  Hormones have wreaked havoc in my body and mind and taken me hostage.  Feelings and thoughts jumble and spiral downward.  The heaviest weight presses on my shoulders and chest, keeping me paralyzed and helpless.  Helplessness leads to hopelessness.  Immobility leads to further anxiety and self-doubt.  Parenting is a chore with sparkles of joy scattered here and there.  I bat them toward me, longing them to stay longer…but like pretty blown bubbles, once touched, they vanish.

My counselor makes me laugh.  I didn’t want to laugh when I met her.  I didn’t like laughing in her office, but I couldn’t help myself.  She is fun to be with and brings out the best in me.  Our sessions are islands of joy in my sea of disaster.  I realize now that I borrowed her joy during this time.

While watching a Creation Health testimony tonight on 3ABN, I heard the lady share that during her bout with cancer, she didn’t have hope but borrowed hope her friends had for her.  Today she is alive and thriving, facing life with determination.  Her friends’ hope got her through.

My mind goes back to another paralytic and his friends.  The Bible tells us that these friends brought him to Jesus to be healed and that it was because of their faith that the man was healed.  Amazing!  God honored the faith of the friends.  Friendship is so important in any recovery experience.  God has given me key people who have supported me during this often-confusing illness.  Though they haven’t always understood me, they have loved me and prayed for me.  They have listened well and offered insights from their own spiritual journeys.  I have often worried about myself spiritually, particularly in the last six months.

Perhaps the chronic nature of this illness began to wear on me, or perhaps Satan tried to get me while I was down.  Regardless, I have struggled with things I never did at any other time in my life.  Faith in God’s Word and His promises waned. 

Prior to my illness I was dubbed “The Promise Queen” by church friends.  You had an issue, God had a promise and I could tell you right where it was.  But God didn’t come through on my time table and I seriously had trouble appropriating these promises.  Slowly, understanding has returned and faith has been rekindled.  How precious to me that I can lean on friends and family and especially my Savior for things I don’t have on my own. 

Salvation has been secure throughout this, don’t get me wrong, but there has been tremendous wrestling.

There have been those who have wounded me along this journey this year, whether intentionally or not.  I have been so fragile, irritable, and hard to be around.  It was too hard to love anyone around me.  But God’s Love remained steadfast and His love covered all those with whom I interacted.  He has brought good out of pain.  I’ve been blessed to be a blessing.

Are you facing desperate times?  Now is the time to surround yourself with those who love God and can be true support for you.  It’s OK to borrow what you need from their journey.  Soon you will be able to lend to others in like need.  That’s God’s wonderful economy.  Nothing wasted.  Blessings multiplied. 

I never thought daylight would return.  I’m so thankful to see first light.  You will too, friend.  Keep believing…or borrow for now.

Joni borrows God\’s smile to meet the day

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• Posted in: Being Mommy ♦ Poetry
• Tagged: 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, christian life, christian mom, comfort, hope, joy, Love of God, personal loss, personal tragedy, postpartum depression